Even on St. Patrick's Day, no means no.
This might be a little radical for some people’s likings, but I’m going to post it anyways, because it’s truly how I feel.
March is women’s history month, but it’s also the month of St. Patrick’s Day. Going all the way back to grade school, I remember the tradition of wearing green on this day. At some point, someone decided that if someone wasn’t wearing green, that meant you could pinch them. This went on through high school and to this day, the tradition infuriates me to no end. Every year, I tried to explain to some immature jerk (almost always a guy) that just because I wasn’t wearing green, didn’t mean that you could pinch me. They would tell me that I was wrong.
The conversation would go something like this:
Where is your green?
–Oh, I forgot it.
I’m going to pinch you!
–Um, please don’t.
You’re not wearing green. That means I can pinch you.
–No, it doesn’t.
Yes it does. Today is St. Patrick’s day and you’re not wearing green!
–Please, don’t pinch me.
But you’re not wearing green.
–I know, but that doesn’t mean you can pinch me.
Yes, it does.
–Actually, no it doesn’t. It isn’t you right to pinch me. Isn’t your right to ever touch my body when I don’t want you to.
Inevitably, I’d get pinched. And I’d be pissed off.
The non-painful pinch didn’t upset me. As a smart and inquisitive girl*, I was sort of the opposite of popular. Kids (mostly boys) picked on me, and it sucked [the girls weren’t necessarily nice, but they didn’t bully me in the same way]. No single incident stands out in my mind (okay, well a few do*), but it wasn’t like what you see in those anti-bullying videos where a kid gets pushed into a locker or shoved into a shower wearing clothes and their backpack or whatever. Still, these same kids were the ones who so desperately wanted to pinch me. It was just another one of their antics—really, just another way in which they could humiliate/degrade me.
Even so, that wasn’t the most upsetting part of being pinched. The way that these other students truly believed (or at least professed to) that it was their right to pinch me, and did so after I asked them not to, really freaking pissed me off.
As I started reading more and more about rape culture (I recommend the “Yes Means Yes Blog”), I couldn’t help but see these St. Patrick’s day incidents in a whole new framework. Rape culture is the idea that we live in a society which allows for rape to take place, despite the little bit of lip service given to the idea that “no means no.” Victim blaming questions and ideas (“how much did she drink? What was she wearing? Was she flirting with him?”) are part of this culture. See wikipedia’s page for the most concise explanation or here, here, and here for some more robust explanations.
I know, you’re wondering why I wasn’t just wearing green on St. Patrick’s day. I can hear you saying now, “Who doesn’t wear green on St. Patrick’s day!? It’s fun! And who, especially if they don’t want to be pinched, doesn’t just wear green?!” Well, sometimes I’d forget. Another time, I wore a Flogging Molly shirt as my St. Patty’s Day pride [they’re an Irish band…and actually played at LDOC last year]. As you may have guessed, the shirt isn’t green. Whatever the reason, it happened several times.
Even asking those questions, though, blames me for these other students’ actions. Yes, it is my fault that I wasn’t wearing green. But no, it is not my fault that these students pinched me. They are responsible for their actions. And as a society, we are responsible for the toxic rape culture in which we live. Really, we should realize that regardless of what I’m wearing (or not), my body is mine. Nobody has a right to touch it, whether that is to pinch me, to give me a hug, or to have sex with me, unless I tell that person that I’m okay with that action (at that time and in that location).
If I’m wearing a mini skirt on December 31st and I’m out with friends to celebrate the new year, my body is still mine, and you may not grope me or dance with me or have sex with me unless I consent to that. We call those sexual assault and rape. If I’m not wearing green on March 17th, my body is still mine, and you may not touch it unless I consent to that. It’s really not so different.
No, being pinched is not rape. However, the underlying ideas which make each socially acceptable are the same. I know you might be thinking…rape isn’t sociall acceptable. What is this girl talking about? But when we really examine our culture, we find that there are social permissionss that continue to exist which allow for rapists to rape with few consequences. Furthermore, the St. Patrick’s Day tradition only feeds our rape culture. It teaches people, from a very young age, that it is okay to deny someone bodily autonomy/act violently towards another person based on what that person is wearing—that under certain circumstances, another person’s body belongs to you, and not to them.
*I’m still guilty of asking lots of questions in class.
**In 8th grade science class, some kids used a glue stick and rubbed it all over my desk chair while I was talking to the teacher up at her desk, or something. I sat in it, in a new pair of shorts, while everyone else laughed.
***As a 7th grader, the two 8th grade boys who I had to sit next to because the three of us made up the saxophone section sexually harassed me nearly every day.
9 comments
bob claster says:
Mar 17, 2011
I’m sorry you went through that. Stupid jerks don’t need a St. Patricks day excuse to molest someone… and that is what I would call it. Someone should have been the living crap out of them. But actually the reason for the pinching on St. Patrick’s Day is well documented and has nothing to do with harrassment. Those bafoons that pinch people even though one is warning them to not do it need to have the head shoved through some drywall somewhere.
Elizabeth says:
Mar 17, 2011
Today my eight year old did not wear green to school. I simply forgot, as did she. She told me that she was pinched all day long. Almost every person in her class of 30 pinched her and many times it hurt. Moreover, a green sticker, which she did not want, was pushed onto her chest and her hand was written on with green marker, against her will.
At recess even more children pinched her and none of the students would play with her because she was not wearing green. She was sobbing as she told me and she is demoralized. She does not want to go back to school tomorrow. She wants to move. She feels humiliated.
We live in Michigan and she attends a suburban public school. I was appalled at her story, especially given the hype about anti-bullying. It is incredulous to me that this practice is allowed at all.
I plan to talk to her Principal and teacher tomorrow. I am open to comments.
risa says:
Mar 18, 2011
Elizabeth, Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I am shocked to hear of the extent of your daughter’s experiences today, and am so sorry that she was treated like that.
I feel as though your comment demonstrates that it isn’t really ever “just a joke.” The truth is, that this pinching “tradition” taught those other students that it was absolutely acceptable for them to invade her personal space and ignore her wishes. That isn’t at all the message that we should be teaching our kids. Rather, St. Patrick’s day should be a day to eat green colored four leaf clover sugar cookies and color a picture of a leprechaun.
I hope that the principal and teacher will be receptive to your concerns and that school will be a place where your daughter can again feel safe and has the ability to learn and grow.
Thanks again for reading Develle Dish and commenting. We’re glad our blog reached you all the way in Michigan.
Kimi says:
Mar 19, 2011
Elizabeth,
I agree with Risa and I hope your meeting with the principal goes well. Your story goes to show that it’s not just drunk people at bars who do this.
While I don’t agree with everything Risa said in her article, I have had my fair share of unwanted physical contact from annoying boys in high school and I firmly agree with her statement: “Really, we should realize that regardless of what I’m wearing (or not), my body is mine.”
Great post Risa.
Anonymous says:
Mar 18, 2011
No one should have to act or dress a certain way to avoid undesired attention. The issue is not about just wearing green, in order to bypass people’s attempts at pinching, it’s about respecting other people’s boundaries. Not everyone is as comfortable about things like that. I am certainly not and would get pretty openly annoyed. Ultimately, it’s not an overreaction if it makes someone uncomfortable.
cindy says:
Mar 18, 2011
See http://www.nolo.com/dictionary/assault-term.html
The threat to pinch is an assault; pinching is battery. No parent wants a kid to be charged with criminal conduct.
Anonymous says:
Mar 18, 2011
at least you didnt have green undergarments jk.
Megan Weinand says:
Mar 18, 2011
Risa! =) Thanks for writing this.
I think you hit on a principal issue here-that cat calls, St. Patrick’s day pinching, and any unwanted sexual advances (that all go in line with this culture of harrassment)-are so harmful because they infringe on a person’s most basic, basic right-the right to just “be”. I didn’t coin that idea-that was Jessica alenti.
Way to always think outside the box friend. :D
Alden Loveshade says:
Mar 22, 2011
The issue of allowable touching is a very thorny and tricky one, and mixes societal norms with biological needs.
Certainly I would agree that when a playful pinch devolves into continued physical harassment there’s a problem. But where exactly is the line?
In America we live in an age where teachers are told to be afraid of touching their students even when those students want a hug or are crying and need comfort. A teacher was fired because he gave a girl a friendly pat on the back and she said he patted over her bra strap. It’s a time of paranoia where people are afraid to touch each other.
And yet, ironically, people who might be afraid to give a welcome hug can boldly give an unwanted pinch. Even more ironic, the same school employee who’s afraid to give a girl a pat on the back may be fully authorized to whip that girl’s bottom.
Touch is natural to social beings such as humans. There’s a great deal of evidence that shows that direct skin-to-skin contact (not through clothes) is critical for the psychological well-being and development of infants and young children. And even adults don’t outgrow the need for physical affection, even though some, especially men, think they can only get it through sex.
Maybe some day we’ll move past this time of paranoia and confusing, mixed signals, to a time where a loving touch is acceptable and harmful and hurtful physical contact is not.
I do have one comment that’s slightly off topic. When someone wears a T-shirt or button that says “Kiss Me I’m Irish,” does that give me the right to kiss them?